1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad
way to begin the Blues. Unless
you stick something nasty in the next
line like, "I got a good
woman, with the meanest face in town."
The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right,
Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a
good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good
woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret
Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you
stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords,
Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs,
or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a
train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't
in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the
Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In
Blues, "adulthood" means being old
enough to get the electric chair if you
shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not
in Hawaii or
any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle
probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and
Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You
cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man
with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman
with male pattern
baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you
were skiing is not the
blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a
alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall.
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by
10. Good places for the Blues:
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places
for the Blues:
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues
if you wear a suit.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in
d. you can't be satisfied
a. you have all your
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of
color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the
blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly
white people also got a leg up
on the blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you
the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap
motel or a shotgun shack, it's
a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a
jealous lover is
another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair,
abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have
Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting
17. Some Blues names for women:
d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and
Heather can't sing the
Blues no matter how many men they
shoot in Memphis.
your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind,
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not