How To Sing The Blues...A Primer

 
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues.  Unless
you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good
woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple.  After you get the first line right,
repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a
good woman with the meanest face in town.  Yes, I got a good
woman with the meanest face in town.  Got teeth like Margaret
Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice.  You stuck in a ditch, you
stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. 
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train.  Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even
in the running.  Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues.  They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues.  In Blues, "adulthood" means being old
enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
any place in Canada.  Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is
probably just clinical depression.  Chicago, St. Louis, and
Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.  You
cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues.  A woman
with male pattern baldness is.  Breaking your leg cause you
were skiing is not the blues.  Breaking your leg 'cause a
alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall.  The
lighting is wrong.  Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the
dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit. 

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color.  It's a matter of bad luck. 
Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues.  Sonny Liston could.  Ugly
white people also got a leg up on the blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's
the Blues.  Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's
a Blues death.  Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is
another Blues way to die.  So is the electric chair, substance
abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot.  You can't have a
Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting
liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and
Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they
shoot in Memphis. 

20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame,etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example:
Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not “Kiwi”)



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Posted 09/26/2002